This letter is hard, hard because you are not here to to know anything about me, or me to know anything about you beyond your 4 months of life. Loss is hard, debilitating, painful, gut wrenching. Over the years what I have learned through losing you is not only about physically losing you but also losing all the hopes and dreams a parent places on a child the minute they are known!
You were immediately my 2nd daughter, adored by your older sister who had waited years to be a big sister. We dreamed of who you would look like…who you would act like…me, Olivia, Daddy?!?! We prepared the perfect room for you, we searched for the perfect name for you, and we created dreams for you!
When I lost you I have never been the same. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled, it’s reserved just for you…I believe that hole will be filled in heaven when I am reunited with you. What I think most about today in regards to you is who would you have been? You were so laid back, so happy…would you have changed? Would you look more like your brother or perhaps 1 of your sisters? Would you have loved school, you would be in kindergarten right now. What pains me the most is wondering how our family would have been different if we got to still have you.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you over and over and when I watch your siblings interacting I think of how you would have loved them and they would have adored you. There will be an eternity to enjoy you, I know this.
I know God has an amazing purpose for you and for us in the midst of this loss. I know you are happier then I can even imagine and that is what provides me so much peace. But I long to see what your 6 year old face looks like, I long to hear your giggles, I crave your hugs and kisses, yet I am at peace with God’s will for your life and mine. Time on earth is not the same as time in heaven…I know this life is temporary and where you are is eternal. The amount of time I am going to live on this earth without you, well that is nothing compared to the amount of time I get to spend with you in heaven.
I told Vida, Jagger and Rowan that it was your birthday today…Vida said to me “are we celebrating her birthday here (at the house) or at that other place (meaning the cemetery)?” She already knows all about you, and she loves your deeply. They all pray for you each night and they know you are their sister!